Boys suck because they don't get Emily's awesomeness

Emily, you're the coolest. I want to be you. I want to dress like, talk like you, dance like you (that's a maybe, I don't remember any of your moves), and just inherit all of the coolness that is you. Boys don't get this for many reasons:
1. They realize that they will never be as funny/smart/rad as you.
2. They don't want to be the "ugly" one in the couple.
3. They want to f*ck you gently, but are afraid you won't call the next day.
4. They know that it will take a lot to satisfy a life force like yourself- this scares them.
5. They know that there is someone better out there for you so you should just wait until that person comes along.
There are many more reasons, but honestly, who has the time to write out every single one. You know I don't, must get back to work (or back to staring at the wall). Next time a boy makes you doubt your awesomeness...read this. Take it in. Memorize it. Live by it.
Peace,
Reagan